After He Had to Go
One week ago tonight he left our home for good.
We knew one day he would go, we just didn't expect that it would have been this soon. The way things had been going the past few weeks, I knew that I didn't think I could make it through the holidays with things going the same way. But when the final straw broke this camel's back, that's all she wrote. Well, not really.
Five big black garbage bags lied in wait down my hallway. His bedroom door remained shut because the alternative was just too ridiculous to even consider. I couldn't go in there without becoming angry, sick, and overwhelmed with so many emotions...and smells. That room full of stink and filth didn't seem like reality. It was hard for me to fathom why and how he could create this mess and allow himself to live within it. But there it was, waiting for something. The five black bags contained much of his clothing, all filthy, that had been strewn about the room, mostly having been picked up from the floor. How could five bags full of this stuff not have made a dent? There was so much more to this room than just all the stink and filth of it. Under the piles of muck, there had to be more than just a cupcake wrapper from July, some lost loose change, or string cheese wrappers. There had to be a reason. I don't think I'll ever know the reason.
It's been one week since he's been out of our home, but he's certainly not even close to being out of our minds. A reason. Why? How? He had been given a golden opportunity to grow, learn, and have a loving environment full of encouragement and even his own privacy. Why did it go so far south and in such a relatively short amount of time? I'm left with questions. I'm left with frustration. I'm left with feeling pity for him. I'm left with less anger though. One week is good time for anger to dispell, I suppose.
The bedroom is now clean. Other than the dresser that was brought into our home to accomodate his clothing (which sadly never really housed much of anything beyond dirty dishes and other mess), there is absolutely no physical trace that he was in there. The bedding took a two hour intensive bath in my LG to rid itself of the B.O. I'm so grateful for Tide, Downey, LG, and the good Lord getting my good bedding clean. I truly was worried I'd have to trash it. Bleh.
Kramer managed to gain 5 pounds during his time in our home. He would "shut Kramer up" by giving him ridiculous amounts of peanut butter instead of just playing with him. What else would one expect from a guy who would get up after we went to bed and then eat a bowl of cereal, five string cheeses, eight hotdogs and chips...nightly? Sigh. Luckily Kramer was .2 lbs below the weight limit that would have made his current immunizations/medications insufficient. We're working on his weight and diet again now. All will be well with Kramer.
For a few days, I was mad. The first night I had nightmares that he was hurting me. He was pushing me against a wall and I was trapped. He was enjoying hurting me. I couldn't get loose. I had to dig my nails into him to get away and I never did get away. I did wake up though. It was frightening during the dream, immediately after waking up, and all throughout the next couple of days. The feeling would revisit me and brought back fear. Fear makes me mad.
The next fews days were strange. He was gone, but not done being handled. He was now somebody else's "problem," so to say. We knew nobody else wanted to house him. We found out his own mother & grandmother refused to help him too. His mother said she fears for her safety with him around. I UNDERSTAND THIS NOW. But even with this thought out there, I still couldn't help but to feel like something wasn't right. I knew we had done all that we could do without jeopardizing too much. I knew there was nothing more we could do for him other than enable his bad habits, or simply beat a dead horse. He was not going to change his ways with us. So why did I feel so poopy?
My husband is brilliant. It didn't take the young man's departure for me to learn this. I have always known of the brilliance. I married my husband, after all. But Saturday night he coined it all so well for me. The details don't need to be broadcast in a blog, but it's hard to feel good when you're in the middle of a poo pile and nobody is throwing you a rope to get out. It's especially hard to feel good when the folks who helped you find your way into the poo pile just flat out ignore you.
I feel much better now. We have been ignored. This whole experience has been educational to say the least. My love & appreciation for my husband has increased, as has our faith in one another. Between the two of us, it's been wonderful. However, my faith & appreciation of others (several others) hasn't fared nearly as well. Sigh. Live & learn. And forgive. And trust in the Lord. And the Atonement even covers unfairness. Thank God. I still have a testimony of charity, for it is the pure love of Christ. I would bring someone into my home again if the situation were safe and the Lord told us it was right. I've not been ruined of doing the right thing. I have been challenged though. And I'm currently working on the challenge of complete forgiveness. Again, thank God.
We knew one day he would go, we just didn't expect that it would have been this soon. The way things had been going the past few weeks, I knew that I didn't think I could make it through the holidays with things going the same way. But when the final straw broke this camel's back, that's all she wrote. Well, not really.
Five big black garbage bags lied in wait down my hallway. His bedroom door remained shut because the alternative was just too ridiculous to even consider. I couldn't go in there without becoming angry, sick, and overwhelmed with so many emotions...and smells. That room full of stink and filth didn't seem like reality. It was hard for me to fathom why and how he could create this mess and allow himself to live within it. But there it was, waiting for something. The five black bags contained much of his clothing, all filthy, that had been strewn about the room, mostly having been picked up from the floor. How could five bags full of this stuff not have made a dent? There was so much more to this room than just all the stink and filth of it. Under the piles of muck, there had to be more than just a cupcake wrapper from July, some lost loose change, or string cheese wrappers. There had to be a reason. I don't think I'll ever know the reason.
It's been one week since he's been out of our home, but he's certainly not even close to being out of our minds. A reason. Why? How? He had been given a golden opportunity to grow, learn, and have a loving environment full of encouragement and even his own privacy. Why did it go so far south and in such a relatively short amount of time? I'm left with questions. I'm left with frustration. I'm left with feeling pity for him. I'm left with less anger though. One week is good time for anger to dispell, I suppose.
The bedroom is now clean. Other than the dresser that was brought into our home to accomodate his clothing (which sadly never really housed much of anything beyond dirty dishes and other mess), there is absolutely no physical trace that he was in there. The bedding took a two hour intensive bath in my LG to rid itself of the B.O. I'm so grateful for Tide, Downey, LG, and the good Lord getting my good bedding clean. I truly was worried I'd have to trash it. Bleh.
Kramer managed to gain 5 pounds during his time in our home. He would "shut Kramer up" by giving him ridiculous amounts of peanut butter instead of just playing with him. What else would one expect from a guy who would get up after we went to bed and then eat a bowl of cereal, five string cheeses, eight hotdogs and chips...nightly? Sigh. Luckily Kramer was .2 lbs below the weight limit that would have made his current immunizations/medications insufficient. We're working on his weight and diet again now. All will be well with Kramer.
For a few days, I was mad. The first night I had nightmares that he was hurting me. He was pushing me against a wall and I was trapped. He was enjoying hurting me. I couldn't get loose. I had to dig my nails into him to get away and I never did get away. I did wake up though. It was frightening during the dream, immediately after waking up, and all throughout the next couple of days. The feeling would revisit me and brought back fear. Fear makes me mad.
The next fews days were strange. He was gone, but not done being handled. He was now somebody else's "problem," so to say. We knew nobody else wanted to house him. We found out his own mother & grandmother refused to help him too. His mother said she fears for her safety with him around. I UNDERSTAND THIS NOW. But even with this thought out there, I still couldn't help but to feel like something wasn't right. I knew we had done all that we could do without jeopardizing too much. I knew there was nothing more we could do for him other than enable his bad habits, or simply beat a dead horse. He was not going to change his ways with us. So why did I feel so poopy?
My husband is brilliant. It didn't take the young man's departure for me to learn this. I have always known of the brilliance. I married my husband, after all. But Saturday night he coined it all so well for me. The details don't need to be broadcast in a blog, but it's hard to feel good when you're in the middle of a poo pile and nobody is throwing you a rope to get out. It's especially hard to feel good when the folks who helped you find your way into the poo pile just flat out ignore you.
I feel much better now. We have been ignored. This whole experience has been educational to say the least. My love & appreciation for my husband has increased, as has our faith in one another. Between the two of us, it's been wonderful. However, my faith & appreciation of others (several others) hasn't fared nearly as well. Sigh. Live & learn. And forgive. And trust in the Lord. And the Atonement even covers unfairness. Thank God. I still have a testimony of charity, for it is the pure love of Christ. I would bring someone into my home again if the situation were safe and the Lord told us it was right. I've not been ruined of doing the right thing. I have been challenged though. And I'm currently working on the challenge of complete forgiveness. Again, thank God.
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