...and lean not unto thine own understanding... (written on 9/4/2014)
September 4th is an important date for me. It's the halfway point in my year. Six months from my last birthday; six months 'til my next birthday. My next birthday is another milestone year. Forty. Wow... forty.
I like to take the fourth of September and look at how my life has gone in the past six months, and consider how it looks to be going for the next six months. Some September 4th's are better than others. Today is a little more intense than in years past. On the surface, some may think since the so-called big Four-Oh is up next, that today may ring in an existential crisis or something else ridiculous. I'm not worried so much about turning forty, but I am worried about the way some endeavors in the past six months have gone.
For almost six months, I have been serving at church in a new calling. It's a rather demanding calling, even more demanding than when I was a Primary president. There are components and complexities on which--today especially--I just don't feel up to task. As the Young Women's president, I feel good about loving the girls in my stewardship. I do the best I can. I visit them. I'm doing what I can to learn who they are. I love them and am doing all I can to make sure they know it too. I'm doing the best I can to make sure they know that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. Honestly, that's all the easy peasy stuff. The hard stuff is everything else.
I've worked with other auxiliary leaders before, bishoprics, people in the ward. No sweat. I get along with a myriad of folks. But for some reason, my biggest struggle is with the women I serve with directly. I love them. I love them all. I pray for them. I thank God for them. I even like them. I believe in them. But I am finding out that I am not good at communicating my appreciation, trust, respect, and love for each of them, individually. Collectively I'm alright. It's speaking each person's individual language that tangles me up, and quite frankly, some languages I just haven't had the desire or strength to learn.
I, as the president, am seemingly expected to know what I'm doing at all times, have all the answers, know how to perfectly deal with all the girls and leaders, and understand each individual's quirks, etc. No small feat. I'd like to have it all down, but I am just a mortal, after all.
As I grow older/wiser/more experienced, I find that my sensitivity to the Spirit has grown for my family, home, and self. However, that softness and sensitivity that would keep me out of trouble with certain people I serve with is not so soft after all. When it comes to adults (especially adults I work and/or serve with), I do expect them to figure it out. I do expect them to not be dramatic. I do expect them to process their own feelings and control themselves. I don't expect anyone to read my mind (usually...heh), and I certainly don't want to read anyone else's. I can't. I'm finding that people who have diarrhea of the mouth worse than I do annoy the crud out of me. Relevance is turning into what I crave anymore. Maybe that comes from 39.5 years of collecting things, thoughts, habits, pounds, ideas, ambitions, etc. I find myself needing to cut to the proverbial chase. All the extra is getting in the way of the The Work. Thus, my need to address my behavior.
I've not been sensitive to the extra-sensitive around me. For years I was told "you're too sensitive!" I hated hearing that. It hurt... go figure. But that was from a crappy boyfriend. I won't say the words "you're too sensitive" to a woman, but man, I get it. When hyper-sensitivity leads one to conclusion-jumping, gossip, disrespect, and near mutiny, then for crying out loud... get a grip.
{Deep Cleansing Breath... sigh}
I've been more prayerful in the past six months than probably at any time in my entire life. This is a very good thing. There is a peace and clarity that prayer brings that I need and crave. I still have the awful and familiar voice of self-doubt whispering, chatting, and yelling at me all the darn time. Prayer has helped me gain more strength to ignore the voice, but I've not licked it entirely yet. For six months, I've CHOSEN to doubt myself instead of listen to the little voice that told me there was something wrong outside of me. There has been a problem with the women I serve with for a while now that I felt, but I turned it into my unworthiness yet again. I've felt alienated, unliked, disrespected, and unwanted. I thought it's because I'm different: I don't have kids, I have a history unlike theirs, I'm fat, blah blah blah. This self-defeating conversation in my head has been just that, defeating. Instead of listening to my intuition and/or the Spirit telling me there are problems with the natives, I internalized. Man, that sucks. And in the meantime, while I'm being quietly stupid with myself, real problems are brewing. Mountains are being created out of mole hills. Things are festering. It's getting ugly.
And here I thought dealing with the young women would've been the hardest part of being the Young Women's president. As it turns out, the exact opposite is true.
So, passively and rather unknowingly I have hurt some feelers. In return, the person who's taken so much to heart has taken it to the rest of the presidency & leaders and has been working at tearing me down. I don't understand that mentality. I am so far from perfect. I have done my fair share of crappy things. I've mistreated others unknowingly and purposefully. I've been selfish. I've been a sinner. I am a sinner. All I can do now, while I lick my wounds and reflect, is to trust in the Lord. I need to know how to work this one out for all involved. I need to not feel the way I've been feeling since last night when I had the revelatory discussion with the culprit/sister-I-do-in-fact-love. The only way I truly know how to get through a rough patch is to turn to the Lord.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) I came across this scripture today when I was looking for something lovely. I'd say I found it. So, I decided to make a printable of it to display where I can see it and be reminded daily to truly trust Him.
So, here I am with a cry-headache from last night, a husband who loves me completely/endlessly/perfectly, a dog who believes I. AM. AWESOME., a Father in Heaven who loves me, a Savior who believes in me, and girls who need me. I don't understand everything. I can't do everything, but I can try to do and be better. I can forgive. I can repent. I shall trust in the Lord. And really, is there much more than that that I really can do?
I like to take the fourth of September and look at how my life has gone in the past six months, and consider how it looks to be going for the next six months. Some September 4th's are better than others. Today is a little more intense than in years past. On the surface, some may think since the so-called big Four-Oh is up next, that today may ring in an existential crisis or something else ridiculous. I'm not worried so much about turning forty, but I am worried about the way some endeavors in the past six months have gone.
For almost six months, I have been serving at church in a new calling. It's a rather demanding calling, even more demanding than when I was a Primary president. There are components and complexities on which--today especially--I just don't feel up to task. As the Young Women's president, I feel good about loving the girls in my stewardship. I do the best I can. I visit them. I'm doing what I can to learn who they are. I love them and am doing all I can to make sure they know it too. I'm doing the best I can to make sure they know that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ. Honestly, that's all the easy peasy stuff. The hard stuff is everything else.
I've worked with other auxiliary leaders before, bishoprics, people in the ward. No sweat. I get along with a myriad of folks. But for some reason, my biggest struggle is with the women I serve with directly. I love them. I love them all. I pray for them. I thank God for them. I even like them. I believe in them. But I am finding out that I am not good at communicating my appreciation, trust, respect, and love for each of them, individually. Collectively I'm alright. It's speaking each person's individual language that tangles me up, and quite frankly, some languages I just haven't had the desire or strength to learn.
I, as the president, am seemingly expected to know what I'm doing at all times, have all the answers, know how to perfectly deal with all the girls and leaders, and understand each individual's quirks, etc. No small feat. I'd like to have it all down, but I am just a mortal, after all.
As I grow older/wiser/more experienced, I find that my sensitivity to the Spirit has grown for my family, home, and self. However, that softness and sensitivity that would keep me out of trouble with certain people I serve with is not so soft after all. When it comes to adults (especially adults I work and/or serve with), I do expect them to figure it out. I do expect them to not be dramatic. I do expect them to process their own feelings and control themselves. I don't expect anyone to read my mind (usually...heh), and I certainly don't want to read anyone else's. I can't. I'm finding that people who have diarrhea of the mouth worse than I do annoy the crud out of me. Relevance is turning into what I crave anymore. Maybe that comes from 39.5 years of collecting things, thoughts, habits, pounds, ideas, ambitions, etc. I find myself needing to cut to the proverbial chase. All the extra is getting in the way of the The Work. Thus, my need to address my behavior.
I've not been sensitive to the extra-sensitive around me. For years I was told "you're too sensitive!" I hated hearing that. It hurt... go figure. But that was from a crappy boyfriend. I won't say the words "you're too sensitive" to a woman, but man, I get it. When hyper-sensitivity leads one to conclusion-jumping, gossip, disrespect, and near mutiny, then for crying out loud... get a grip.
{Deep Cleansing Breath... sigh}
I've been more prayerful in the past six months than probably at any time in my entire life. This is a very good thing. There is a peace and clarity that prayer brings that I need and crave. I still have the awful and familiar voice of self-doubt whispering, chatting, and yelling at me all the darn time. Prayer has helped me gain more strength to ignore the voice, but I've not licked it entirely yet. For six months, I've CHOSEN to doubt myself instead of listen to the little voice that told me there was something wrong outside of me. There has been a problem with the women I serve with for a while now that I felt, but I turned it into my unworthiness yet again. I've felt alienated, unliked, disrespected, and unwanted. I thought it's because I'm different: I don't have kids, I have a history unlike theirs, I'm fat, blah blah blah. This self-defeating conversation in my head has been just that, defeating. Instead of listening to my intuition and/or the Spirit telling me there are problems with the natives, I internalized. Man, that sucks. And in the meantime, while I'm being quietly stupid with myself, real problems are brewing. Mountains are being created out of mole hills. Things are festering. It's getting ugly.
And here I thought dealing with the young women would've been the hardest part of being the Young Women's president. As it turns out, the exact opposite is true.
So, passively and rather unknowingly I have hurt some feelers. In return, the person who's taken so much to heart has taken it to the rest of the presidency & leaders and has been working at tearing me down. I don't understand that mentality. I am so far from perfect. I have done my fair share of crappy things. I've mistreated others unknowingly and purposefully. I've been selfish. I've been a sinner. I am a sinner. All I can do now, while I lick my wounds and reflect, is to trust in the Lord. I need to know how to work this one out for all involved. I need to not feel the way I've been feeling since last night when I had the revelatory discussion with the culprit/sister-I-do-in-fact-love. The only way I truly know how to get through a rough patch is to turn to the Lord.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) I came across this scripture today when I was looking for something lovely. I'd say I found it. So, I decided to make a printable of it to display where I can see it and be reminded daily to truly trust Him.
So, here I am with a cry-headache from last night, a husband who loves me completely/endlessly/perfectly, a dog who believes I. AM. AWESOME., a Father in Heaven who loves me, a Savior who believes in me, and girls who need me. I don't understand everything. I can't do everything, but I can try to do and be better. I can forgive. I can repent. I shall trust in the Lord. And really, is there much more than that that I really can do?
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