I'm not a good juggler, but I try.
It has been an eon since I posted anything. Life gets away from me. Well, maybe that's not exactly true. Caring to post on my blog is what gets away from me, truthfully. I've been rather busy, and mostly the good kind of busy, I might add.
In the past year and a half, I was released from serving in the stake Young Women's organization as secretary, called as the ward compassionate service leader for two months at Christmastime, and then called to serve as first counselor in our ward YW program. I served as 1st counselor for four and a half months, and then around Christmastime 2016, I was called to be the ward YW president. It has been an interesting year and a half.
September 2016, I became a college student. I took advantage of the Pathway program through the Church and Brigham Young University-Idaho. I also became a Mary Kay consultant that summer. MK, Pathway, Young Women, and LIFE all combined took their toll on me. I did well with Pathway, okay with MK, time will tell for YW, and mixed reviews with LIFE. (LIFE is marriage, family, discipleship, friendships, house work, money matters, etc.) I didn't feel like I was managing any one aspect very well at all. I was super tired, cranky much of the time, and don't feel like my 100% was living up to what I feel my 100% could or should be.
I always thought I could do it all, at least all the worthwhile endeavors a proper LDS girl should endeavor to do. I sustained myself well enough on my own before I was married. I worked hard, paid my bills, and though I don't have any real estate to show for my single years, I did okay in money matters. During that time, I managed to keep a relatively decent house. Sometimes messes got away from me, but I always got things under control. No big deal there; I did okay in household matters. I had friends; they became family. I did okay in that area too. During a good chunk of my single years, I wasn't very good at being a disciple of Christ. I struggled choosing the right and experienced a great time of sadness and a serious loss of peace. I did learn that making better choices leads to better peace and gladness. However, becoming a true disciple of Christ leads to the best peace and true happiness. I did learn this while still single, so I did okay (finally) in this regard too.
I thought that once I married, I'd continue my pattern of doing alright. I don't expect perfection out of myself in mortality. I do expect to not bomb every single thing though. However, once I married, I found that I wasn't nearly as good at keeping all the juggling balls in the air as I expected I would be. In retrospect, I think I was likely fooling myself when I said or thought I had it all (most of it anyway?) together. I was a mess with the boyfriend(s). I wasn't building real wealth; I was just paying bills. My friends weren't good influences on me. Quite the opposite, really. My relationship with my own family was no good for many of those years. For so long, I was out of touch with the gospel, and I didn't let my light so shine. It was hidden and I behaved like someone without a clue, when really I had the best clues on earth given to me when I was a child.
Being married isn't necessarily difficult, but meeting all my personal expectations is. I haven't been a good housekeeper or homemaker. My house is a mess much of the time. I yell at my dogs more than I like. I walk them less than we all like. I find myself in pockets of laziness more often than ever in my whole life. My "wish" list of projects is becoming HUGE, and I'm not talking about dream vacations or super fun crafty projects alone. True, those things are on that list, but I'm talking about baseboards. Dusting. Cleaning my sliding glass doors. Putting away ALL my clothes instead of allowing the mountain in the bedroom to just keep growing taller & wider each week. Filing away the monthly statements properly. Cleaning out the fridge. Seriously, thinking about these things just makes me ill. Sometimes Dan will come home and ask "so, what did you do today?" It's not a mean question; it's never in an accusatory tone. But I get it. Some days go by and I have no idea why it took six and half hours to answer everyone's questions for Mutual. Or how I managed to spend three hours dealing with Puppy Insanity. Or that my head hurt so bad that I have no idea how I could leave the house, let alone shower that day. Since I don't have a regular 9-5 kind of job now, my time is up to me. I am accountable to myself if I choose to be, but since I'm a wife, I am certainly accountable to Dan too.
Without beating myself up, I can truthfully say I'm failing in a lot of places. But since we're being honest, I must say I am succeeding in a bunch of places too. At any given moment, Dan can say with all certainty that he knows I love him, and that he loves me too. Nobody in this household has gone without a meal... obviously. (That's a conversation for another day.) My dogs are healthy and happy. Our home is a welcome place for the spirit. Though it is dusty, it is peaceful and a sense of love fills the air. I serve in a demanding calling faithfully. I am sure I could do better in some areas of my calling, but I think I'm doing alright. I love those girls, and I love the women who serve with me. I seek heavenly inspiration for the girls, myself, and my family. I pray more now than I ever have in any time in my life. I have regular MK customers. I need to be better at seeking new customers, and although I know I am a slow builder, I am a builder nonetheless. I speak with my mom on the phone regularly, and our relationship is wonderful. I still try to honor my father the best I can. I am richly blessed with some of the best women friends this earth could ever desire to behold. I love the Savior. I'm learning more and more about Him every single day. I look forward to the sacrament, the temple, and I seek personal revelation. I repent often. I am not perfect. I am very flawed. I keep dropping the balls. I'm not a good juggler, but I try.
This fall, I am enjoying my time not in any academic classes. I do begin again with BYU-I in January. During this time, I have my MUST DO list that shall really help 2018 be off to the best possible start. I am supposed to be moving my "napping room" to the spare room upstairs, changing my office to the downstairs room, and getting rid of my super huge desk. I also am supposed to be cleaning the heck out of my house and getting my closet in order. So far, I've accomplished zero of these objectives. It's only been three & a half months without Pathway classes. Yipes! {Deep Breath} But tomorrow is a new day. I can start fresh and new. I can do what I say I'm going to do. Putting one foot in front of another isn't so tough, but for some reason, juggling is. I have the MUST DO list, PLUS the dailies of life. I'm not that great at the dailies, so adding the big list of MUST DO to them freaks me out. I'll figure it out though. I think I'm pretty good at figuring things out, even if that means figuring it out later rather than sooner, all will be well. I can only do what I can do, right? And so long as I'm truly putting forth a worthy effort, that's doing all that I can do. I guess that's the best anyone can do.
In the past year and a half, I was released from serving in the stake Young Women's organization as secretary, called as the ward compassionate service leader for two months at Christmastime, and then called to serve as first counselor in our ward YW program. I served as 1st counselor for four and a half months, and then around Christmastime 2016, I was called to be the ward YW president. It has been an interesting year and a half.
September 2016, I became a college student. I took advantage of the Pathway program through the Church and Brigham Young University-Idaho. I also became a Mary Kay consultant that summer. MK, Pathway, Young Women, and LIFE all combined took their toll on me. I did well with Pathway, okay with MK, time will tell for YW, and mixed reviews with LIFE. (LIFE is marriage, family, discipleship, friendships, house work, money matters, etc.) I didn't feel like I was managing any one aspect very well at all. I was super tired, cranky much of the time, and don't feel like my 100% was living up to what I feel my 100% could or should be.
I always thought I could do it all, at least all the worthwhile endeavors a proper LDS girl should endeavor to do. I sustained myself well enough on my own before I was married. I worked hard, paid my bills, and though I don't have any real estate to show for my single years, I did okay in money matters. During that time, I managed to keep a relatively decent house. Sometimes messes got away from me, but I always got things under control. No big deal there; I did okay in household matters. I had friends; they became family. I did okay in that area too. During a good chunk of my single years, I wasn't very good at being a disciple of Christ. I struggled choosing the right and experienced a great time of sadness and a serious loss of peace. I did learn that making better choices leads to better peace and gladness. However, becoming a true disciple of Christ leads to the best peace and true happiness. I did learn this while still single, so I did okay (finally) in this regard too.
I thought that once I married, I'd continue my pattern of doing alright. I don't expect perfection out of myself in mortality. I do expect to not bomb every single thing though. However, once I married, I found that I wasn't nearly as good at keeping all the juggling balls in the air as I expected I would be. In retrospect, I think I was likely fooling myself when I said or thought I had it all (most of it anyway?) together. I was a mess with the boyfriend(s). I wasn't building real wealth; I was just paying bills. My friends weren't good influences on me. Quite the opposite, really. My relationship with my own family was no good for many of those years. For so long, I was out of touch with the gospel, and I didn't let my light so shine. It was hidden and I behaved like someone without a clue, when really I had the best clues on earth given to me when I was a child.
Being married isn't necessarily difficult, but meeting all my personal expectations is. I haven't been a good housekeeper or homemaker. My house is a mess much of the time. I yell at my dogs more than I like. I walk them less than we all like. I find myself in pockets of laziness more often than ever in my whole life. My "wish" list of projects is becoming HUGE, and I'm not talking about dream vacations or super fun crafty projects alone. True, those things are on that list, but I'm talking about baseboards. Dusting. Cleaning my sliding glass doors. Putting away ALL my clothes instead of allowing the mountain in the bedroom to just keep growing taller & wider each week. Filing away the monthly statements properly. Cleaning out the fridge. Seriously, thinking about these things just makes me ill. Sometimes Dan will come home and ask "so, what did you do today?" It's not a mean question; it's never in an accusatory tone. But I get it. Some days go by and I have no idea why it took six and half hours to answer everyone's questions for Mutual. Or how I managed to spend three hours dealing with Puppy Insanity. Or that my head hurt so bad that I have no idea how I could leave the house, let alone shower that day. Since I don't have a regular 9-5 kind of job now, my time is up to me. I am accountable to myself if I choose to be, but since I'm a wife, I am certainly accountable to Dan too.
Without beating myself up, I can truthfully say I'm failing in a lot of places. But since we're being honest, I must say I am succeeding in a bunch of places too. At any given moment, Dan can say with all certainty that he knows I love him, and that he loves me too. Nobody in this household has gone without a meal... obviously. (That's a conversation for another day.) My dogs are healthy and happy. Our home is a welcome place for the spirit. Though it is dusty, it is peaceful and a sense of love fills the air. I serve in a demanding calling faithfully. I am sure I could do better in some areas of my calling, but I think I'm doing alright. I love those girls, and I love the women who serve with me. I seek heavenly inspiration for the girls, myself, and my family. I pray more now than I ever have in any time in my life. I have regular MK customers. I need to be better at seeking new customers, and although I know I am a slow builder, I am a builder nonetheless. I speak with my mom on the phone regularly, and our relationship is wonderful. I still try to honor my father the best I can. I am richly blessed with some of the best women friends this earth could ever desire to behold. I love the Savior. I'm learning more and more about Him every single day. I look forward to the sacrament, the temple, and I seek personal revelation. I repent often. I am not perfect. I am very flawed. I keep dropping the balls. I'm not a good juggler, but I try.
This fall, I am enjoying my time not in any academic classes. I do begin again with BYU-I in January. During this time, I have my MUST DO list that shall really help 2018 be off to the best possible start. I am supposed to be moving my "napping room" to the spare room upstairs, changing my office to the downstairs room, and getting rid of my super huge desk. I also am supposed to be cleaning the heck out of my house and getting my closet in order. So far, I've accomplished zero of these objectives. It's only been three & a half months without Pathway classes. Yipes! {Deep Breath} But tomorrow is a new day. I can start fresh and new. I can do what I say I'm going to do. Putting one foot in front of another isn't so tough, but for some reason, juggling is. I have the MUST DO list, PLUS the dailies of life. I'm not that great at the dailies, so adding the big list of MUST DO to them freaks me out. I'll figure it out though. I think I'm pretty good at figuring things out, even if that means figuring it out later rather than sooner, all will be well. I can only do what I can do, right? And so long as I'm truly putting forth a worthy effort, that's doing all that I can do. I guess that's the best anyone can do.
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